Going gentler and breathing softer

Moving forward with life and this Substack in wilder times

Hello lovely friends <3 How have these recent days been treating you?

I’ve been thinking so much lately about being gentle (and about dogs, and death – more in upcoming posts). 

After the magical, beautiful, wonderful Pen Play poem-a-day writer’s retreat I hosted until June 21st, I just burned out, hard. I love my neurodivergent ability to hyperfocus, but it always comes at cost. Until I learn to manage it better, which I’m working on, the epic highs continue to come with epic lows. 

Photo by Matthew Henry

To throw in a bit of life update, there’s also just SO much going on. I’m still exploring how best to share about myself without ranting or dumping on you guys, haha, but these are the main “projects” at the moment: 

• Completing an international move from Israel to Berlin, including chasing down a few straggler packages, navigating a soon-to-be wedding, and getting everything in order for my August visa appt

• Getting finances back in order, reducing my debts, and figuring out a new life as a US expat freelancer in Germany

• Learning German from scratch at a sufficient level to satisfy my visa case officer… in less than a month

• Journeying through powerful, intense, and also frustrating family healing and relationship building

• Growing as a professional writer, both in terms of my new role as a content creator for HER (one of the biggest queer dating apps in the world) and as a creative writer here on Substack

• Creating a delightful and spacious home for myself on Substack that lets me hone my craft authentically and provides loving, encouraging, and playful space for all of you to engage with your own writing and your journey with self-intimate experience 

• Balancing awareness of a yet-unknown experience of neurodivergence with action to operate as strongly within it right now as possible

• Preparing to potentially say goodbye (much sooner than anyone expected, as it’s come out of nowhere) to our beloved family dog friend, Buddha

I’m really tired, and definitely off balance. I’m grieving and I’m raw, yet in it all, I strongly desire to remain vulnerable and honest. 

I’ve been seeing a few heartfelt posts lately (such as this one from the incredible

Camille

, or this resolute one from

Mariah

) about taking time off, slowing down, being gentle, and generally accounting for the soft slowness of creative pursuit amongst the driven surge.

Death of family members. Parenthood. Special occasions. Pause for the sake of it. Life happens, and the illusion that it doesn’t, for any reason, however subtle, sometimes runs counter to self care.

We talk about it. We’ve probably all heard it. Yet why does the break, the rest, the permission to let out the rest of that breath, sometimes (often?) remain so elusive?

Right now, I’m tired, and I’ve been beating myself up a lot about this Joy Journeys Substack. I had a plan to harness the momentum after 52 (wow!!) straight days of poetry to keep going, but, there’s so much on my plate. As I’ve waded through the discomfort around this fact, I keep returning to the determined intention that this space be dedicated, among other things, to my pure artistic pleasure. 

Resolutely, I don’t want to move where it isn’t fun, where, as my girlfriend and also Marie Kondo say, it doesn’t spark joy. Like, damn, why should it? This community is unprecedented for me, as pretty much every single human and piece of writing I’ve seen is thoughtful, emotional, vulnerable, and generally incredible here. There’s real, honest, curious discourse. There is EVERY kind of newsletter – and we’re still only in the beginning. 

Best boy Buddha curled up with all his gangly legs for a snooze

Hell if I’ve spent a lifetime trying to fit myself to every single container I come across only to now do the same again. Nope. I love you, and I love me. Don’t need. 

So, that said, the timeline is shifting a bit for me, not that there was a massive launch/announcement campaign coming anyways. I’m going to take some more time to be present to everything coming my way – to grieve, to celebrate, to transition (also physically, I fly on July 6th back to Berlin from Virginia), and to be an imperfect and emotional human being. That’s the first thing. 

Later, and I’m not sure exactly when, I will give you more information about the big picture of this Joy Journeys space, as well as the paid subscription option (I may well be asking you for feedback and sending out some polls here and there to get your thoughts). 

I need to say a little something about paid subscriptions

I do want to say now, and every other chance I get, that I fully intend to elevate this space, to the best of my ability and way of creating at this moment. In practical terms, that does mean I will soon (relative term, so much happening) introduce a paid subscription, which will also include some essential elements of community and creative exchange that are only available to paid subscribers. 

I’ve thought a lot (A LOT) about this decision, because there are infinite ways to structure this, and because there are many extraordinary creators who offer everything completely wide open. However, although I do have my fears and doubts about it, my desire to create an exceptionally intentional, engaged, and supportive community is stronger. 

I have no belief that I’ll get rich on Substack, or base a livelihood on this newsletter. Actually, following in the wise footsteps of the incomparable Elizabeth Gilbert in Big Magic, I’ve specifically promised my writing – my writing, the juicy, messy, fantastical, wild stuff I create for me – that I would never place upon it the burden of being my breadwinner, because the fluidity and uninhibited nature of the creativity is too important (though that’s not stopping me in honing my craft as a content writer and marketer elsewhere ;D). 

No, this space is personal, intimate, and sacred. And it’s actually for this reason that I carefully create my paid subscription. 

In my spiritual journey, which I’d like slowly to share piece by piece here as well, I’ve invested a lot in learning, exploring, and experiencing. Through the repetition of this practice, at times when my money was free flowing and at others when only “miracle” explained how it happened, I’ve come to deeply sense and appreciate the significance of a monetary energetic exchange for the field of the container I’ve subsequently entered. 

Photo by Ashley Batz

It’s an essential part of the ritual, part of the fabric of the space that makes it vibrant and resonant, part of the reflection of the spaceholder and participants alike. It’s deliberate, it’s active, it’s a move you can only make when you are fully present to yourself and the frequency you’re entering. You must pass through with attention, with intention and love, or not pass through at all. 

I’ve tried, a few times, to hold such spaces in the past, but I was never a match for the energy I thought was already there. Extraordinarily, it was actually all of you, this platform, that showed me I was ready. I keep (or think I keep) mentioning about “being ripe” right now; this is what I mean.

(To share something a little scary with you, choosing to create a paid space here also means that I am choosing to step through the same portal you are and reach into a deeper level of vulnerability and trust in my writing (namely the subject matter). I want to be clear with myself about creating this container because I want to be clear with myself that I commit to giving such writing a try.)

To be clear, I don’t think I “owe” you an explanation. Rather, to those of you reading now and those yet to come who may indeed be a match for this energy, I wanted to be honest and sincere about why I’m doing what I’m doing. I want you to know, explicitly, how I define the move that you make if you choose to join my paid subscription, to go beyond any token words of appreciation (all of which I do and will ever mean fiercely) into a new lived experience for you. 

From the beginning, I want you to know what you’re getting yourself into – mainly, a very specific energy field and all the creative passings that flow within it. Knowing this, you, me, and everyone else of our community may know and trust clearly that the decision you make was intimate and intentional. 

Tying it all together, so I can start being more gentle

After all this, I guess you might be curious to know what I do have in store, starting in a few days. You can expect: 

• A weekly poetry prompt, with my accompanying short essay and poem, which, for now, will be as free to exchange and encourage within as it was during the writer’s retreat (if you missed it, or just want to go again, you can always access and return to it forever)

• Periodic prose and essays, on spiritual and emotional awareness, queerness, writing, and also everything else, likely weekly but without a fixed or regular schedule for now

There’s so much happening right now. I need to rest and de-escalate, but I also need to keep creating, especially my poetry, so I tried to make sure the above strikes a good balance between these two needs and keeps it fun.

I’m also certain I’m not alone in experiencing #allthethings, and to all of you navigating complexities, feeling big feels, or simply who want it, I’d love to offer you a huge huge hug. We’re very impressive beings, very wonderful, and I celebrate us in all the phases of our lives.

On the subject of rest, I’d like to leave you with this super cool Sacred Rest Quiz that

Mariah

also recently shared. It helps you determine what kind of rest – physical, emotional, mental, creative, spiritual, etc. – you need right now, because they’re not all created equal. It caught my attention when she shared it because I knew that in theory but certainly never acted on it in practice.

Here were my results: 

So basically, I learned I’m wholly overstimulated? Haha. Makes sense that it’s mental first and creative second

In that spirit, I need to go release my brain now, and also go pet Buddha while I feel so many beautiful and scary things, but I also want to hand the space over to you a little so that you can stay directly connected meanwhile if you’d like (I know that’s been an interest for me and some others I’ve spoken to here). 

As an experiment, I’ll be turning on the ability for any of you to start chat threads, which means you can (and should!) interact with each other – ask questions, express your mind, share your poetry, and introduce yourself :) Let’s see how it goes, and if it’s something that works well for all of us. (Feel free to tell me if you like it or not!)

As ever, I really really appreciate, and also really really love, if you invite people from your world over to our shared space who may also want to be active and engaged. As they say, any friend of yours is a friend of mine. Plus, there will definitely be more to talk about and play with if there are more people talking and playing :) 

And finally, if you’re new here, you’re most welcome to join Joy Journeys as a free or paid subscriber so you can catch every bit of the softer and wilder updates ahead. 

You all are seriously the best. Thanks for being here, thanks for being curious, and I look forward to more adventures together with you soon. 

For now, be gentle <3 Lots of love.